PHUKET: Some time ago, a company in South Africa invented a device designed to break down one of the last barriers between the sexes. The Eezeewee is billed as “a reusable device with a shaped plastic cup and a length of pipe” that enables women to urinate while standing. It is touted as “invaluable for women who are traveling, hiking, camping, or bedridden, it has a handy, discreet carrying pouch.”
I imagine that the Eezeewee would make an ideal weapon for women threatened with rape. All they’d have to do is whip it out of its handy, discreet carrying pouch and beat the rapist over the head with the pipe. Such an act would have a delicious irony that will not be lost on lovers of literary symbolism.
I’m all for any invention that makes life easier for women, but in this case I find myself experiencing a vague unease. The only thing we men can do that women can’t do is urinate standing up. And the Eezeewee takes that away from us.
Theologians will thunder that the Eezeewee violates god’s law. They’ll argue that if the deity had intended for women to pee standing up, he’d have given them the natural means to do so.
As a man, too, I am extremely anxious to know how long the pipe is – and what it’s made of. If it’s a mere two inches long, and made of cotton, sponge, or tissue paper, I can see no problem.
But if it’s, say, three feet long and made of steel, I fear scenarios like the following will occur:
Scene: A man and a woman are preparing to pee in the woods. The woman takes her Eezeewee out of its handy, discreet carrying pouch and gazes condescendingly down at the man’s pride and joy (I am trying to be tasteful here!) as he prepares to urinate.
Woman: Mine’s bigger than yours. Harder, too.
Man: (says nothing, but turns red and quickly tucks his pride and joy back in, wetting himself in the process.)
Woman: Bet I can pee farther than you can.
We all know that many men (not me!) are insecure about their sexuality. The Eezeewee will exacerbate this problem. Freud theorized that women suffer from penis envy. This innocent-looking but satanic device guarantees that men will now suffer from Eezeewee envy. The blow inflicted on their self-esteem will be devastating.
But there’s a solution to this problem. The inventors of the Eezeewee can easily produce a new, improved model designed especially for men. I envision a pipe made of wrought iron, engraved with dragons, tigers, and gargoyles, thick as a telephone pole, and five feet long. This will be cumbersome, but it will come with a little wagon to transport it. In the interests of modesty, the wagon will be covered with a stylish canopy.
This will restore men’s shattered self-esteem, place them on a more equal footing with women, and redress the outrage inflicted upon god’s law.
Ye Olde Curmudgeon can be flamed c/o email@example.com, except when he’s trying out his new, improved Eezeewee.This article first appeared in the February 1-7 issue of the hard-copy
Phuket Gazette newspaper.
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