SONGKHLA: It’s always worth keeping in mind the phrase caveat emptor, or “let the buyer beware”, when making any purchase.

The warning should be especially well heeded when the item under consideration is somewhat less than 100% legit.

This sage advice must have been far from the mind of one wannabe tough guy in Haad Yai, however, when he paid 15,000 baht for a bag that ended up containing nothing more than an old pestle and a few rocks.

On the afternoon of May 8, Phongsakon Niamhom walked into Haad Yai Police Station and told a tale of woe to duty officer Pol Lt Somchai Hatkhaja.

Phongsakon, 28, told the officer that he had long wanted to own his very own gun; he did not tell the policeman why he wanted a firearm, however.

Not knowing how to go about getting hold of such a weapon, he mentioned it to a motorcycle-taxi driver on Sriphuwanat Rd Soi 10, whose service he often used.

Motorcycle drivers tend to play the same role in Thai society as The Yellow Pages do in the West, so it comes as no surprise that the driver, later identified as 30-year-old Wichian Rakkhlai, knew just the person to fix his customer with a gun.

Before long, Wichian came back with a young woman called Saow, who identified herself as an Army Ranger.

A bit short of cash, Saow said she would sell him a pistol complete with license and registration for 20,000 baht.

Phongsakon agreed to the price and Wichian drove Saow off to go and buy the “gun”.

A little while later, Wichian and Saow returned with a little black bag that Sow claimed contained the gun. Somehow, she made Phongsakon promise not to look in it until she had left. When Phongsakon asked to see the paperwork, Saow said that she hadn’t brought it with her, but would return with it the next day.

A little put off at this, Phongsakon said that he would give her 15,000 baht for the gun alone and hand over the 5,000-baht balance when she gave him the license.

Happily agreeing to this, Saow took the cash and then rushed off with Wichian again.

After the pair had left, Phongsakon felt it was safe to take a peek at his purchase. When he opened the bag, however, he found not a shiny pistol, but a pestle and five or six stones, all wrapped in two T-shirts.

Filled with anger, Phongsakon rushed to the police station to report the fraud. Officers accompanied him back to the taxi stand to hunt for Wichian. After a short wait, Wichian came back to his spot and was duly arrested.

Wichian claimed he was merely the driver and said he knew nothing of the scam. Police charged him with fraud. As this went to press, they were still hunting for the elusive Saow.

It had not been reported whether any action would be taken against Phongsakon for attempting to buy a firearm.

KALASIN: Aphrodisiacs and sex aids come in many forms. The Chinese have rhino horns and tiger penis, while Viagra has spread from America to become a worldwide craze allowing a generation of aging lotharios to revisit the prowess they enjoyed in younger days.

In Isarn, however, the latest sex-aid craze is neither the body part of an endangered species nor something cooked up in Dexter’s lab. It is small, green and lives on leaves: the humble caterpillar.

Villagers in Kalasin, especially young men, have been collecting bags of the little larvae to eat raw and enjoy as a drinking snack or to use as an ingredient in traditional dishes.

The caterpillars have become so popular that the price has shot up to a hefty 200 baht a kilo.

After hearing of the craze, a reporter from Thai daily Khao Sod on April 28 headed to Kalasin Polytechnic to investigate. The school has become a focus of caterpillar collectors due to the abundance of the larva’s favourite food source, the somewhat smuttily named golden-shower tree.

At the school, the reporter met a crowd of villagers who had travelled all the way from Khao Wong District armed with baskets and sticks, ready to collect the creepy crawlies.

Phunsuk Sripramai, 31, told the reporter that collecting caterpillars to eat was nothing new in Isarn. The bugs are a seasonal food, found mainly on golden-shower and Siamese cassia trees. The caterpillars, known as nang bong, are larger and tastier than those found in Northern Thailand, he said with pride.

The bugs are highly sought after by local people, who believe they have healing properties and improve sexual performance. They are now particularly popular with young men who eat them raw as a drinking snack, he explained.

Wirasak Janthadee, who had come from Thakhantho District to look for caterpillars, said he liked to eat nang bong in the hot season. Village elders say that whoever eats nang bong at this time of year will enjoy improved performance in bed and the healing of many body organs.

K. Wirasak, 45, recalled how he had long been stricken with gout until he began eating nang bong.

As for the sexual performance, eating caterpillars while drinking whiskey creates a potent aphrodisiacal effect, he added.

“Mostly they are used as an ingredient in traditional Isarn dishes such as laap and kaeng pa. They can be fried or roasted; whatever you prefer. What is certain is that if you eat about 12 of them they will fill your body with vigor,” K. Wirasak said.

As for a medical opinion, Dr Phisit Eua-wongsakul of the Kalasin Provincial Public Health Office said that eating the caterpillars would do no harm. In fact, they are similar in nutritive value to eggs, he said.

However, he could not confirm the rumored healing and aphrodisiac properties, which require further study. To be on the safe side, the caterpillars should be well cooked before eating, he advised.

UDON THANI: The peculiar story of a man who married a python said to be a 600-year-old spirit from his past has taken yet another bizarre twist.

Satien Kenkudlung’s python wife (pictured, right, with her husband) slithered away last week, after a short marriage. The volume of curious visitors has dried up, but K. Satien has kept the interest of the public sated with the discovery of an egg, supposedly laid by his now-departed wife.

K. Satien hit the headlines in early April when his marriage ceremony to the python was publicized. It was said the snake had been his soul mate for six centuries.

The egg development seems “well planned”, said Udon Thani Governor Supoj Laowansiri. Gov Supoj suspects the snake was hidden when the “charlatans” heard experts were on the way. He suspects a “grand return” at some stage, too. If the snake comes back by the end of the month, the governor and his subordinates will be ready to pounce.

Experts have debunked a theory that the egg is the fruit of Satien’s union with the snake, as the gestation period for a python is 80 days. The marriage was just a fortnight long. Plus, snakes usually lay a nest of up to 50 eggs. A mother never abandons her eggs.

TAK: While impersonating a policeman for personal gain is nothing new in Thailand, one monk in Mae Sot who thought he may have picked the wrong career took it one step further over the Songkran holidays.

The monk not only claimed to be a high-ranking policeman, but also a member of the royal family and a representative of the Bureau of the Royal Household.

Phramahasamat, known as Samat Saengsai before his ordination, marched into Mae Sot Police Station in full uniform on April 15, demanding a police escort car during his participation in a Songkran procession.

Phramahasamat, 29, told officers that he was a police major attached to the Bureau of the Royal Household and also a mom luang, a descendant of Thai royalty.

Phramahasamat showed the officers his police ID card, identifying him as Mom Luang Pol Maj Kritaphol Kasemsri.

ML Pol Maj Kritaphol Kasemsri’s story was given extra credence by the fact that he drove to the police station in a Toyota Yaris with a ror yor lor registration plate, indicating it was a royal vehicle.

Col Phatsawat Tangjui, superintendent of Mae Sot Police Station, was unconvinced by the distinguished guest, however.

He asked to have another look at his police ID card and registration plates for the royal Yaris. On closer examination, both documents proved to be forgeries.

After a few minutes of awkward questioning, ML Pol Maj Kritaphol admitted that he was neither a police officer nor a royal descendant. In fact, he was actually just a country monk from Wat Srisanga Prachathamm in Roi-Et’s Selaphum district.

Phramahasamat told police that he had always dreamed of becoming a policeman, but had never been able to quite make the grade. With the path to a career in law enforcement closed to him, he opted to become a cleric instead.

As for the “royal car”, Phramahasamat said that one of his many followers in Roi-Et had donated it to the temple.

Before his arrest, Phramahasamat had been touring around the countryside, celebrating Songkran with the locals and claiming to be a representative of the Bureau of the Royal Household out on tour.

Phramahasamat was charged with impersonating a police officer, forging official documents and forging a royal car registration document.

There was no report of what action the Buddhist council of Roi-Et would take.

UDON THANI: Villagers from across the Northeast and as far away as Laos have been flocking to get a glimpse of a high-profile newlywed couple in Phen District. This couple are not celebrities, but a local Udon man and a female reticulated python he has fallen love with.

The happy groom, 35-year-old Sathian Khenkutrang, said he believes that he and the 12-foot snake were lovers in a former life. In the previous incarnation, K. Sathian was a bodyguard to Phrayanakho, a naga deity who lived in Beung Chuan in Tambon Na Phu, Phen district, he said.

K. Sathian fell in love with Sathida, the deity’s daughter. Phrayanakho, however, did not approve of the relationship and had K. Sathian executed. He then cast out his daughter, who wasted away and died of a broken heart.

Sathida’s spirit passed through a number of incarnations looking for her lost lover before being reunited with Sathian in this life, during which she happens to have the limbless form of a snake, K. Sathian explained.

On the morning of April 6, on hearing of this bizarre case of herpephillia, a Daily News reporter headed to Na Phu to find the couple, who were staying at the house of Yuan “Pu Yuan” Kongsuwan, 75, a spirit medium who had been guiding them.

When the reporter got to the house, however, K. Pu Yuan said that the couple had left after being challenged by an assistant village chief a day earlier.

K. Pu Yuan said that Samrong Sinthutham, assistant chief of Na Phu Village 2, had come to his house and accused K. Sathian of being a scam artist. He demanded K. Sathian prove the truth of his tale about his wife by correctly predicting the numbers in an upcoming lottery draw.

When villagers who had come to see the couple saw what K. Samrong was doing, they became angry and started to shout at him. In the end K. Samrong had to flee for his life to avoid being lynched.

Later, however, K. Samrong told the local news office to announce that the police and provisional livestock authorities were on the way to arrest K. Sathian and confiscate his unwieldy wife. K. Sathian therefore decided to head back to his home village, Ban Don Yannang in Udon’s Muang district.

On hearing the news of K. Sathian’s expulsion, the chief of Tambon Na Phu, no doubt ruing the lost revenue from visitors wanting to catch a glimpse of the cross-species couple, called a meeting of the village committee. The committee decided to invite the couple back to stay in Wat Na Phu. The report, however, did not say whether K. Sathian would accept the offer.

The reporter then headed to Ban Don Yanang to find K. Sathian and his serpent bride. The road heading to the village was filled with traffic caused by people heading to see the couple. Cars were parked along the roadside for a full five kilometers. K. Sathian told the newshound that when he returned to the village, a miracle had happened: a storm sprang up out of nowhere, knocking down a tent erected outside his home, ripping the roof clean off the dwelling.

K. Sathian said that he became very dejected at this and began to think that, if he couldn’t be happy with his wife in this life, maybe it would be better for the pair to die so that they could be reunited in the next life in more compatible forms.

That night, K. Sathian and his wife had to sleep in the small, half-destroyed house with his aunt and two nephews. His wife, apparently unhappy with this arrangement, bit his hand in the night, he said.

At 3 pm that afternoon, the onlookers were joined by Deputy Minister for Agriculture and Cooperatives Teerachai Saenkaew, who had come to see what all the fuss was about and offer some advice.

K. Teerachai told K. Sathian that the government “was worried” about how he was living and joked that he would help find him a human wife if he liked.

K. Sathian replied that his snake was the only wife for him.

Saying he was worried about the couple’s health, K. Teerachai advised K. Sathian to keep his wife in a cage at night, when pythons like to go out and hunt for prey.

K. Theerachai said he would instruct livestock officers to give K. Sathian some tips on feeding reptiles so he wouldn’t have “any problems”.

The minister also called for the public not to get too worked up over the couple, saying that it was just “a man and his snake”, nothing to get too excited about.

As for the wedding, K. Theerachai said it was a personal belief, which was OK, but he warned people not to believe everything they heard.

He also said that he was pleased to see the effect the couple were having on the local economy. He cautioned people, though, to keep their distance from K. Sathian’s wife, especially when she is hungry.

K. Theerachai said that he hadn’t brought a psychiatrist along with him as he didn’t want to jump to conclusions about K. Sathian’s mental state.

K. Sathian has yet to reveal whether or not the marriage had been consummated, however.