Predictably unpredictable

The golden dewdrop’s flowers may be pretty, but the berries pack a poisonous punch.

Predictability: there’s a lot to be said for it. We may as well start close to home; the half-dozen or so regular readers of this column should be prepared for an aimless rant that precedes more ramblings about something green and growing. No surprises there.

There is predictability elsewhere, however. It’s quite reassuring to know exactly what will happen in a Thai soap opera even before the opening credits have finished. Some young bloke is going to fall desperately in love with a stunning girl, then get sick and eventually die in a hospital bed.

There will, without doubt, be an older woman knocking around somewhere, with big hair held upright by a gallon of hairspray. She will shout a lot at the pretty girl, and the girl will pout excessively in return.

The older lady will be married to a downtrodden chap who wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Have I missed anything?

This predictability thing is everywhere. How many times have you met someone who said that he’s got an idea that will make him extremely rich, but he just needs a backer for a little “initial capital outlay”?

You know he’s a buffoon, but he swears you’ll both be millionaires in months.

Of course, you do the sensible thing and distance yourself from the madness as swiftly as possible. Your “friend”, however, piles every penny he has into this scheme of his. His downward financial spiral is inevitable; as predictable as a Thai policeman’s shirt shrinking in the wash.

Us islanders inevitably receive house guests, perhaps staying only a few nights each visit. Your mate’s in town, but how does he manage to pick one of the few days of the year when the bars are closed for the night? Totally predictable.

Thai food is predictably spicy. Thais can eat quantities of chili that would make most people cry. So, if a Thai person assures you that what’s on your plate is mai phet (not spicy), don’t take any chances, just run for cover. If it looks deadly, it probably is.

Most people who know me would probably describe me as a little predictable. I’m the sort that tends to eat at the same restaurants on a regular basis, and even orders the same food on arrival. Come to think of it, some of the waitresses don’t even bother giving me a menu now.

The plant world enjoys predictability, too. But there’s a catch; not all plants are as predictable as others. Plants are known for the particular flowers or fruit that they produce, or the distinctive leaves that set them apart from everything else floral.

The golden dewdrop, or tien thong as it’s known in Thai, is one of the most unpredictable plants around in terms of appearance. It doesn’t seem to have decided what it should be famed for, so it has a go at everything – growth speed, flowers, berries… the whole lot. It goes by many other names including sky flower, duranta and pigeon berry. It’s a fairly fast-growing plant that can reach heights of up to a couple of meters.

A dewdrop, as most of us know, is regarded as a petite, delicate thing. The dewdrops that appear on this specimen, however, aren’t the most attractive things of the plant world. Perhaps the golden dewdrop isn’t the ideal name for the plant whose fruit bears much more resemblance to bright orange garden peas.

The flowers, however, are quite cute. The tiny, vivid lilac flowers form in spectacular clusters. They are swiftly followed by loose clusters of bright orange berries that look good enough to eat. That’s probably not the most sensible thing to do though, as they’re poisonous (containing hydrocyanic acid). So it’s probably a good idea to keep this one away from children’s play areas.

Plants in Europe reflect their seasons, with blossoms appearing on fruit-bearing plants in spring. These drop off en masse to be replaced by the fruit when it gets a bit warmer.

Not so in Phuket. Plants here are a little confused, as the seasons here don’t tell them what to do in the same way. The golden dewdrop is no exception. The berries and flowers appear in a never-ending cycle. The berries are produced immediately after the flowers and arrive in such quantities that they actually cause the branches to arch down, as if they can’t bear the weight.

The dewdrop grows at an enthusiastic pace, and soon becomes a straggly bush if not regularly attacked with a good pair of secateurs. It makes a superb hedge or effective windbreak for the garden, and becomes denser with regular pruning. Trained well with a few bits of wire bent into shape, this plant can grow to any shape you want. It does as it’s told. Topiary starts here.

Like so much of the vegetation that thrives in Thailand, it will put up with virtually any kind of treatment. It’s happy in full sun or partial shade, although it will produce more flowers and fruit in full sun. It needs fairly moist, well-drained soil, but doesn’t demand too much water.

Likely because of its virile nature, in other parts of the world the golden dewdrop has been declared a menace. In the US, it’s officially labeled as one of Hawaii’s most invasive plants. You don’t get a reputation like that by sitting around doing nothing.

Life would probably be fairly dull if everything was totally predictable. Flowers and poisonous berries? Why not? Time for a beer, anyway – my mate’s in town. It’s not election day, is it?.

Want to know more about a plant in your garden? Email Bloomin’ Bert at: bloominbert@hotmail.com